This week has been crazy! I’ve never had so much joy consistently. I’ve really experienced God breaking barriers in my heart and in others’ too.

The biggest thing God has been showing me is that He loves me and is proud of me. I think that I’ve put up walls in my heart that block when others and even God says or shows that they/He loves me, so that I hear it but it doesn’t really impact me. But this week I’ve just continuously been shown that God loves me and is proud of me not because of anything I do but because of just Who He is. One day in worship one of my squad leaders approached me and said she felt God was telling her to tell me that God loves me and is proud of me. Another day in worship there was a song with lyrics that talked about how God is proud of us even when we just take the small steps in our faith journeys. That hit me so hard because I know every good thing we do is yes, our choice, but it’s ultimately God working in us and in our hearts so that we do choose to obey Him. And yet He still is proud of us and smiles towards us when we take the smallest steps, when we bring the best we can to Him, which is pitiful in all truth. I think another thing God’s been teaching me is to havevmy identity in Him and not in my achievements or what others think of me. Another crazy thing I did was to get baptized again to symbolize that I want more of God and that I’m not fully there yet but I want to surrender all to Him. I want Him to take what I can’t surrender in my own willpower.

Other interesting things I’ve done include taking a shower with a bucket and bowl; hand washing my clothes and laying them out to dry only for it to rain the same night and now have to wait longer for them to dry; sleeping in a tent for a week; eating tortillas with cucumbers and honey for lunch; talking to more girls in a week than I usually do in probably a couple months if not more; and meeting some absolutely incredible people that love Jesus and beginning to make friendships with them that’ll last a lifetime.

By the way, I’m calling this post Lights Go Out because of a song I heard this week by a Christian rapper named KB that has ministered to me powerfully and again reminded me just how God loves everyone individually including me in such a beautiful, intimate way.